The new detachment

Sometimes in life it is necessary to detach from a situation. Al-anon first introduced me to this concept; of help through distance. The recognition that that gut feeling of helplessness is best served by sometimes acting helpless. Pushing those you want to hold the closest away so that they too can see the distance.

Pittsburgh musings

Goddamn I love this town.

Photography

Things change when you look
through the lens of a
single lens reflex
and bring a beautiful scenic
scene into a metered view finder

And part of the kick
of staring at this scene is
observing those in and out the
frame through a squinted
eye, trying to catch a glimpse
inside of you
and inside that frame.

nobility.

There is nothing noble about being rich.
There really isn't anything particularly noble
about being poor,
either.

and yet i chase and seek the nobility
among the rich and the poor among us

the rich purity we each bear and
can occasionally radiate through
this societal shroud that
envelopes the inner us.

There isn't anything noble about being rich.
and there isn't anything particularly noble about
being poor.

and sometimes those with the most
have the least
while those with the least
have the most.

the grass is always greener
on the manicured lawn.

the grass is always greener.
in the junkyard.

there isn't anythign noble about being rich.
there isn't anything noble about being poor.

we envy the everything for having it.
we envy the lacking for not.

the old definition of having what you want
not wanting what you have

but having it all you can't want a thing
and wanting it all you cant have a thing

our daily juxtaposition of
want vs need
have vs have not

our daily struggle.

let's re-invent the wheel.

salad bar midget

I stared longingly ready for a bowl of
potato soup and lifted my foot
in anticipation of the
forward motion that would
carry me closer to a bowl of
potatoes and bacon bits and
creamy broth

and I spotted the salad bar girl
doing salad bar things in the
soup area adjacent to the salad bar

and i noticed she was a midget and my
foot hovered a non perceptible
inch off the ground as every muscle in my
body tightened and i froze

scared shitless by this weird perfectly
normal salad bar eat N park midget.

qwerty

what is is observational from my day
i often wonder sitting here
in front of keys
in front of an empty page

i think through the day
and i can remember only
a hangover
liquid
and another great sense
of fluid
well-lubricated
well-being.

FUCK

FUCK THAT MOTHERFUCKER ILL KILL THAT MOTHERFUCKER
said the man in the black shirt
cowboy boots
cowboy hat.

he seemed so angry and I wondered at what.
I was so happy he was on the other side of the street.

I sipped my beer and stared at my book
avoided the anger and
dreaded conflict
considering how good my day
was going.

so far.

virtue

two bit three bit
one shit floor shit

spend my days drinking more shit
and my mornings wondering why,
shit.

hangover juice coffee work
is my everyday
same day
routine.

I want to break free
and forth and
re-discover this
word called virtue

never found in a bottle.
i think.

27

how does one make it to 27
so sexy, so sweet, so single.
escaping the lure of bad news bad guys
with their sweet bikes
and bad attitudes
oh wait you did it
with the poise and grace
you used to dodge my advances.

$80 bar tab

I'd rather spend 80 dollars
at the bar than
80 dollars at the hip
euro trash store down the street

because the well stitched indian threads
in the H&M shirt might tell a different

more permanent story I would
prefer to live my own

hazy forgotten tale.

$80 bar tab

you can't put a price
on the cast of characters
that rolls through the bar
on a windy cold thursday

you could put an ad on craigs
or on a telephone pole

but not expect the sort of out
of sorts that comes out
on a windy thursday.

a bunch of drunken fools.
drunken bartenders and their
birthday friends and us.

we roll the dice and throw the drinks
and hope that the glasses land booze
side up and we land in the same damn
bar stool again.
the next night.

Skateboarding

It was a beautiful day today in Pittsburgh
not beautiful in the conventional sense
rather beautiful in the February in Pittsburgh
sense

My skate hit the street my foot hit my skate
and I rode dirty through the grit and drying salt

another skater paralled my path across the street
symmetrical discord

another approached in my departure vector
three random dudes with so much in common

and nary a head nod exchanged as we each
headed off in our solitary pursuit
of company.

Heroin Junkies

Heroin Junkies
I thought as I met the couple.
rockstar hippie iggie pop.
marla singer.
loving living rolling together on
one another
but i sensed the booze wasn't
the only factor.

I felt disgust,
I felt vile, I
saw what they had together
and I hated them
because I felt jealousy.

Bob

makes the place seem lively with
his easy smile and casual demeanor
never letting his problems of
the day spill into the half
spilt drink he is slinging
a model of mediocrity in an
utterly mundane world
a savior of saints slinging
prophecy zen one
spilt drink at a time.

Rich

Rich brings the
house down at
Kowarski's which
is not even a metaphorical statement
because that dude is
sour and broken and beat
and brings you a drink
with barely a smile on his
time weathered face

he does his job
pays the minimum and
cashes his check
sleeps in his lonely
bed with undreamt dreams
of what once was.

Bartender

a bartender is the easily approachable
fully clothed stripper of my
every day drunk existence.
perhaps.

usually with more attitude
and less flesh
and 100% less chance of
giving me a lap dance and
50% less chance of
fucking me but
with 100% more chance of
bringing me a drink on time
straight up
on the rocks
with no water
or bullshit

Bartender

female bartender is a great
source of jealousy for most
women who dont understand the
intimate nonsexual relationship
men have between their bartender
their bar and their beer.
if we can cheat on you with a bar,
with a beer, or
with a bartender, then
you probably don't quite understand
the male psyche because we're
cheating on you with noone,
but fucking all of them.

Bartender

the greatest non
relaationship - relationship
we will ever know a lover
a fighter a soothysayer
a friend who will be there for
the entirety of their 9-5 or 5-2
shift regardless of their
other obligations so long as their
card is punched. and our tip is good.

Bartender

i love the way they bring
my sauce with a certain
poise and elegance that
few others can deliver with
as if it is their job to
continually tease me with what
is so readily available and
deny me what is so much theirs.

Dive Bars

every time im drinking in dees at an
odd hour i see an
odd woman who
always wears sunglasses
not the kind you can get away with wearing
in a dark dank bar
typically
dark ass sunglasses with
a mirrored tint
and i always wonder what her story is
which is why i always wander into dive bars
because every face is a story
theyre all a bunch of well written characters in
a poorly written novel about my life

and she always glances at me
briefly

and i dont see her so much as myself staring
and i realize thats about it as
she turns back to her beer
and returns to her conversation with
noone in particular about
absolutely nothing.

world travels

i am getting
sick of these narrow minded
pittsburgh non traveling yinzers
without
an excuse for not traveling
get on it, i say
westward bound ticket,
all destinations west
would be grand like
the sexy irish girl i talked to
tonight
but then again who the
fuck am i to judge
you're probably happier in your
home than i am in my world travels.

Turquoise Panties

I pulled a pair of striped turquoise panties out of
the just finished commercial
in the crowded laundromat

Definitely not mine and I
had no recollection of pulling them
off a girl or seeing them on
my floor so I discreetly
threw them in the dryer with
my soiled, torn drawers.

I'm not claiming to be a player but
enough so those could have multiple
owners a
veritible choose your own adventure
of asses to cover

and despite the comfort which
some girls run around you
still don't want to ask them
"are these panties yours?"

The Laundromat (2)

Snuck outisde for
a quick freezing smoke
propped between a steamed up
window and a brick pillar

Flipped my book open as I flicked an
ash
and started thinking about how
cool smoking is
a solitary endeavor of slow muted self-destruction
also enjoyed in groups.
I took a drag and was blown
away by how cool my reflection
looked on the pillar from
a yellow streetlight, propped
awkardly in an architectural
fuck up.
two puffs went down two cars drove
by and a sudden self-conscious
jolt shot through me grounding reality
smoking doesn't make you cool.

The Laundromat

A humid oasis on a 12 degree day
I struggle through the door
and catch the eye of a 20 something
as her nose came out of her book
she flashed a quick smile which
I bounced back across
the checkerboard laundromat
chessboard floor

I wanted to small talk
chit chat "whatcha reading?"
I thought as my eyes crossed my
red roasting hands
stuffing the sheets my ex
had bought us into another
Commercial Washer
just a few thousand spins
from washing our relationship
away

So this is the New Year

Fuck, man, everyone listens to that song first thing in the New Year. And fuck, man, I'm listening to it right now. A quick search of iTunes found that shit. I'm finally getting into using iTunes as my desktop music player. I've been down with WinAmp for so long ('97, bitch!) I feel weird about switching it up.

I wish I could remember the first song we listened to when we got back here on New Years Eve. Perhaps it will come to me. It may have been Andrew Bird, DarkMatter. That's been my wake-up song for a couple months now.

On to the resolutions:

1.) Be a better person.
2.) Quit looking at so much internet porn.
3.) Use computer more often as a productive tool. (see no. 2)
4.) Get in shape. Indoor soccer will help.
5.) Figure out a life plan.
6.) Start looking at new homes on the South Side slopes.
7.) Smoke significantly less. Or just fucking quit.
8.) Advance myself professionally - work toward EIT?
9.) Learn mandarin Chinese.
10.) Write more (get published?)
11.) Update the webpage regularly.
12.) Quit setting lofty goals for myself then setting myself on a barstool, watching the goals drift by.