BY: Joey Shine
Astronaut
Whatsup baby girl. You mind if I sit here?
Cool. WAITRESS!!! WAITRESS!!! THREE FINGERS OF JIMMY WALKER BLACK!!! Thanks doll.
My name’s Joey Shine. What’s your name, sexy baby girl?
Misogynistic? What’s that mean girl?
Ah, nah baby.
Nah, sweety.
Wow, I mean, nah, baby.
Yeah, I talk this way around my mother.
Yeah, sexy, come on, it’s me baby. Joey Shine.
Yeah, I talk this way at work.
An astronaut. Yeah, you know, I fly into space? Work for NASA?
You can take that look of disbelief away baby girl. We’re real people.
Ohhhh… sorry girl I just farted. See? I told you astronauts are people too.
DAMN… that DOES stink…. sorry about that girl… this seat isn’t very fart absorbent..
Yeah, you know, fart absorbent like astronaut seats. I worked on that program.
Don’t laugh, girl, $34 billion of taxpayer money went to perfect fart absorbent seats….
You think John Glenn wanted to smell Buzz Aldrin’s beer and wild turkey farts on the entire ride to the moon? I was in a Dirty Teddy’s Tavern a few weeks ago with Buzz, and that motherfucker cleared the room with one fart.
Lemme light a smoke.
Yeah, girl, sure, astronauts smoke.
Nah, I’m in tip-top physical shape.
Smell better? Cool. Yeah, girl, they had me working on the fart absorbing seat a few months ago. Yeah, I was known as the dude with the worst farts on active astronaut duty, so they had me come in every day to, you know, gather empirical evidence or some shit. We actually had some cats in from the airline industry, you know, cuz they make those seats that are super fart absorbent and float…. we just had to come up with seats that are super fart absorbent, float, AND can withstand re-entry. Oh yeah, they gotta withstand all that chafing from space suits too.
Nah, lots of chafing.
LOTS.
WAITRESS!!!! THREE FINGERS OF JIMMIE WALKER!!!!
You know, when you get, um, excited, and there’s people around, like all packed around you like in the space shuttle, and you kinda slide your ass back and forth on a seat, cuz it feels real good?
Too much information? Sorry baby, Joey Shine’s just telling you ‘bout the birds and the bees.
Yeah, I’m saying, these seats are barely fart absorbent. Vinyl just kinda reflects it right back up to you, you know?
The worst though are in my truck, baby girl. Heated leather. You gotta turn them off before you bust. You ever smell a cooked fart, reflected right back up in your face? It’s horrible, baby girl. It’s worse than farting during re-entry on our old non-fart absorbent chairs.
So what do you do for a living baby girl?
You work in an abortion clinic? So, are you, like, down to get down, baby girl?
Ouch. That hurt.
Alright, play hard to get then, baby girl!
Don’t forget to look in the sky tomorrow, and you'll see the sun shining - then look over a little bit, and you’ll see the brightest shine you ever seen. That’ll be me, baby - Joey Shine.
